It has been almost 7 years since I came to Singapore. In the first 1 to 2 years, I don’t think I missed my families and old friends too much as the life lived in two different cities were not so much different. Time flied away very fast, other few years passed. For some reasons, I’ve not been back home for 4 years already. I’ve not been seen my families and old friends for more than 4 years already…Suddenly, I fell in a strongly bad mood and I took long time to walk out of there. I missed my families and old friends very very much! During that dark period, I almost only lived in my memories and sighed for the blessed and joyful days that would never be back again. It seemed there was only thing for me to do, recall and recall. Even worse, what I was doing and having became less important and less for me.

Until one day, I realized I had gone too far and my life had become so messy that it even got harmful to my own family and me. I finally walked out the shades meanwhile I seemly moved to the other point…I restrain all the yearning and feared for myself be hurt by too much too beautiful memories.

No expectation, no disappoint. No memories, no sufferings.

I force myself not to miss anyone any more, not to throw thoughts back to the past so often.Feeling that can still miss someone is beautiful, but I just cannot.

I tidied up my drawer and found a book named by “Be Happy”. It is a present from a friend. He said I always looked like in low spirits, so hoped this book can delight me.

This is a book talking about simple life and self-encouragement. It also mentions the logic to maintain happy life. Pity! However, I have yet finished this book. Few years later, I opened it again and suddenly realized that I would not be happier if I didn’t eager to do so.

When people said they were not happy, most of time they didn’t really want to be. I did feel the mood sometimes could be a wonderful feeling, more attractive than cheer. Just like opium, that is very harmful for health but still so difficult to be given up. That is also the reason why I love so much the other book named  “Life Unbearable Lightness”, by Milan Kundera.

Yesterday, I posted lots of bored and crazy words to a forum in www.sgwritings.com and complained a lot about my life of spirit that has been out of control…I am very thankful for the concern and suggestion from those kind “web” friends, but very soon I realized I didn’t really hate about my current situation and more likely, I was so much used to it. After all, I will feel no real and no security living in a perfect & cheerful world.

Funny? Funny! We rather trust misery than live with something bright!

I am definitely crazy and hopeless…(the end)